My hand turned me down
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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