Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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