There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
