you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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