I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
