It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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