hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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