your parents love me but you hate me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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