Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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