already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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