I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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