Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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