woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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