Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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