i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
