the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
