my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
