Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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