Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
