I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize