I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
