first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
