smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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