I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
