The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
