ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
