I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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