Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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