I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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