capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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