I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
