On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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