I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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