I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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