FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
