Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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