I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
