So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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