So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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