the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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