if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize