Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.

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(760): View more from California

i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?

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(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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(805): View more from California

100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.

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(+01): View more from

I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom

(1+01): View more from

your the Dr. Phil in my life

(+01): View more from

Today is an unchanging day

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.

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(213): View more from California

At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick

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