On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
