I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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