I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's shark week go big or go home
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
