Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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