My sheets look like a crime scene.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Two words: nipple clamps
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