As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
