Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
