Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
