quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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