3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize