Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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