Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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