Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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