the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
