yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
