I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
