I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
