Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If I die, sorry about rent.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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