How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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