I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
