we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
