im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
