really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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