I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
