i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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