Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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